Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Chess Poetry Comedy on the Internet

There aren't enough funny poems about chess on the internet.

In fact, until just now, I didn't think that there were any funny poems about chess on the internet at all. So, I shall take the liberty of reproducing this first I just found in full. Although of course after reading it, you might well still think that there are no funny poems about chess on the internet, which is how things go with matters of taste.

So without further ado, here is said Laureate-level effort:

All your base are belong to white.

I kill two pawns in the morning.
I kill two pawns at night.
I kill two pawns in the afternoon
And then I feel all right.
I kill two pawns in time of peace and two in time of war.
I kill two pawns before I kill two pawns.
And then I pwn them all.

And, yes, that's it. Although, I suspect the title and last line might need a note of explanation. The title stems from an internet in-joke about the bad English in a Japanese video game. While the word 'pwn' in the last line is internet slang for the word 'own'. 'Own', that is, in the sort-of online Americanese meaning of 'defeat' or 'dominate'.

So, did you like it or not? And can you do any better?


Anonymous said...

Oh, Tom. I can see your thuggish side coming out again!...

I'm afraid I'm struggling to find merit in the poem. Afternoon following night following morning? More than eight pawns killed? Why are pawns the target?... Is my reading too literal?


Anonymous said...

The explanation of the title reminded me of this:


Tom Chivers said...

Ah! The poem pwns you, then!

'Scrumblings' is great. Thanks for teh link.

Anonymous said...

Some years ago I picked up an anthology "The Poetry of Chess" by one Andrew Waterman (ISBN 0 85646 067 2)in a second hand book shop.
The author contributes a learned essay on the relationship nature of chess and its relationship to art etc. He describes his own chess career, including, like so many of us, a long period when his chess bug was dormant, then "I was a chess player the way an alcoholic who has stopped drinking is an alcoholic " ....
The poems are grouped: the game; players; philosophies; moralities etc., etc.
Here is one by Jedediah Barrow from the section on personal relations. It is short, borderline p.c., makes one smile, and (betraying my unrefined poetic tastes)it rhymes!

Chess Piece

Of all the pieces that I've played/There's none like lovely Rita./I love to play her opening/No gambit could be neater.

She is postionally strong/She knows the variations,/But most of all I like to see/Her pretty combinations.

I tried to fork her one black night/But I miscalculated;/she niftily unpinned herself/And thus she got me mated.


Tom Chivers said...

Very good.

Perhaps we could lift some poems from the book for the blog.

ejh said...

Does it include Borges' poem Ajedrez?

Andreas Lango said...

This is Bob Marley's original work and as such one would expect the chess club to, in the very least, mention that fact to its readers, as this 'poem' merely replaces joint with pawn from the classic hit " smoke two joints".

Tom Chivers said...

Thanks for pointing that out Andreas! I hate reggae and had no idea.